Men's 5th XI vs Brentwood 4

Saffron Walden Men’s 5s vs Brentwood 4s

Result: Walden 3 – 1 Brentwood

Having failed to register a win since Christmas, the 5s welcomed Brentwood 4s to Fortress pitch 2. Brentwood, to their great credit, are doing the Lord’s work — blooding talented youngsters while propping up the rest of us in the league table.

Walden unveiled a new signing: Tristen, formerly of Cambridge South and Royston fame, emerging from a four-year hockey hiatus. He uncorked a creditable tomahawk on target that caused raised eyebrows, mild applause, and at least one nostalgic whisper of “he’s still got it.”

The skipper, meanwhile, delivered a performance for the ages — though not in the hockeying sense. Forgetting shin pads for the second consecutive week was innovative enough, but picking up the ball in response to a whistle from the wrong pitch demonstrated a level of spatial awareness rarely seen outside under-9s festivals. The wise old heads decided this would feature heavily in the half-time team talk. The rest of the team agreed. Rich Brown therefore dons the prestigious D.O.T.D. sash this week.

Speaking of wise old heads - the self-appointed brains trust of former First XI captains (Mike, Rich Dear, Roger) scored all the goals this week, and then convened post-match to decide who was who in A-team terms. They anointed Rich Brown as the Hannibal of the side (“I love it when a plan comes together”). Rich Dear embraced his inner B.A. Barracus (mohawk pending), Roger accepted Face status with suspicious ease, and Mike Gaughan was left surprisingly delighted to be Murdoch — which explains quite a lot, in hindsight.

The game ebbed and flowed in quality. At times the basics were shaky. Early on, however, came a sequence of approximately 14 passes featuring crisp ball pace, tidy first touches, intelligent movement off the ball, and a composed recycle to the back for Mike Gaughan’s ever-reliable distribution. It was, briefly, hockey poetry.

At other times, those basics were, um… not so good. Like wot I word.

Zi was dependable in the tackle and neat down the wings. Lockie brought trademark jabbing disruption in defence and was momentarily alarmed to discover that one of his opposite numbers might have been quicker than him (a claim he vigorously disputed). Pace and power remain intact.

Isaac and Jack combined neatly on the right. Logan delivered his finest outing in a 5s shirt — practically flawless: interceptions, distribution, calm authority. A Rolls-Royce performance with MOTM status nailed on.

Shutesy , Andy Dyer-Smith and Tristen marshalled the midfield, while Max fulfilled his weekly brief to perfection: burst of pace down the left, one-handed dribble to the baseline, and an enthusiastic slap across the D. No goals this week from that manoeuvre, but it remains our most exciting form of cardio. Giles was assured in goal.

According to the Three Wise Men™, their goals stemmed from “calculated hockey genius.” According to everyone else: scrambly hacking. Either way, three of them went in. Brentwood managed one in reply. Details are for historians.

Next week brings Redbridge & Ilford — a bona fide six-pointer for the battle around third and fourth. Availability in now, lads. Let’s not rely on post-Christmas miracles again.

Man of the Match: Logan Connor

D.O.T.D.: Rich Brown