Men's 5th XI vs Old Southendian 5

Saffron Walden Men’s 5s vs Old Southendians 5s

Result: Walden 4 – 0 Old Southendians

Location: Southend WHY GOD WHY IS IT SO FAR AWAY IT’S LIKE ON THE MOON WHY NO WHY

The long pilgrimage to Southend (Parge’s 4th trip of the season, hilariously) was made significantly less tragic by the unusual legion of brilliant youth in the Walden ranks, with the stage perfectly set for George to do what George does best: stand at the top of the diamond and turn defenders inside out like a duvet cover.

There was early drama at pushback, as Shutesy looked dangerously close to arriving after the match had already started, raising immediate and serious questions about D.O.T.D. Rumour has it he’d been at his usual morning spin class, heroically sacrificing punctuality in the name of cardio. But, in classic fashion, he arrived at the absolute last second, proving once again that nothing builds team spirit like mild panic.

This near-disaster opened the door for Lockie to launch an early bid for the D.O.T.D crown, gently wafting a pass straight into the path of the Old Southendian centre-forward like a polite invitation to score. Thankfully, the rest of the defence recovered the ball and saved Lockie’s blushes. 

At the back, Mike Gaughan was on fire, pinging laser-like distribution from centre-back along with regular re-runs of his patented “Ewen whose army” joke. He was partnered by Shutes, who—once present—was calm in possession and generally looked like a man who definitely meant to be on time all along.

Meanwhile, Rich Brown, marauding up the right wing from right back, produced some dazzling stick skills… alongside a complete and total refusal to acknowledge what the sideline is actually there for. After several adventurous excursions into “technically still on the pitch if you squint” territory, he finally found Ewen with a few passes—from which point Ewen stole the show from right midfield.

Goals - Ewen bagged two goals in a dynamic, all-action performance that had everything: energy, pace, skill and um, goals. Bit of zeugma there, for you grammar lovers.

Across the pitch, the young lads were absolutely flying. The improvement over the last few months has been seriously impressive, with real end product coming from Charlie, Noah, Max, Ewen, Logan, and Lockie—a terrifying prospect for opposition teams and a confusing one for older players who remember when “fitness” was optional.

Logan underlined his growing influence with a cracking goal from near the top of the D, striking the ball cleanly from behind him into the corner where the keeper’s dive was as forlorn as Rich B realising the clubhouse has run out of crisps.

Elsewhere, Rich D bustled about the pitch causing problems, getting brilliant touches and deflections on crosses, narrowly missing a few times… but of course he eventually got his goal, because hockey always rewards chaos merchants in the end.

In midfield, Andy Dyer Smith was indefatigable—controlling the game, leading by example, and spending large portions of the match in the umpire’s rear, presumably offering gentle encouragement and/or passive-aggressive commentary. Interestingly, I am using dictation software to produce this report, and although what I actually said was “spending large portions of the match in the umpire‘s ear“, I choose to leave the error in place in case it brings joy.

Up top, George brought his 3D skills and spins to devastating effect, creating chances and making the attack sing like a well-rehearsed choir… if that choir occasionally shouted “NO F%*$¥IN WAY” and demanded short corners. Standing within 5 m of the umpire, listening to them talk on the radio about George, is always a hoot.

At the other end, Parge in goal had a rare moment of action, bravely coming out to clear the ball on the one occasion Old Southendians threatened to do something. Other than that, Parge was largely untroubled—enjoying the sort of peaceful afternoon normally associated with spa days. Which is what we assume Shutes has got planned post match.

A timely return to form for the 5s ahead of what promises to be a very competitive clash next week against Braintree 2s.

Come on Walden!