Men's 5th XI vs Upminster 5

Saffron Walden Men’s 5s vs Upminster Men’s 5s

Result: Saffron Walden 4 – Upminster 2

In the true spirit of Christmas, the Men’s 5s arrived in Upminster brimming with goodwill… which lasted approximately 14 seconds before the forwards started shamelessly poaching goals off one another. The return of Mike Gaughan from injury was a welcome boost, but any warm festive feelings rapidly dissolved into outright thievery.

Rich Dear looked certain to have bagged the opener before Andy Dyer-Smith applied the gentlest of taps from roughly three centimetres outside the line. Moments later, Birchy continued the larceny with a volley from similar distance after another Rich Dear effort. Rich eventually exacted revenge by nicking one from Birchy’s strike across goal, before Roger delivered the pièce de résistance: a merciless slam-dunk finish from approximately 12 millimetres, denying Charlie his big moment. Clinical? Yes. Necessary? Absolutely not.

Fortunately, such depravity was not team-wide. Elsewhere on the pitch, Walden produced some genuinely lovely hockey: tidy triangles, sharp passing, and spells of keeping the ball moving with real composure. Gaughany’s aerials repeatedly broke Upminster’s press, while Lockie and Jack Pemberton powered up the wings like men who had mistaken the touchline for a runway.

Max operated high on the left, causing chaos in the D. Shutesy, meanwhile—currently on a personal quest to argue himself into a card—was destructive at the base of the diamond, while Birchy knitted attacks together from the top. Rich Dear, bustling around the D and lashing the ball both at and near the goal with frightening regularity, notched his ninth consecutive scoring game… yet still earned the Christmas Donkey of the Day. Apparently skying the ball with three Walden players queuing up behind you is frowned upon.

Charlie Birch delivered another dynamic performance, protecting the ball with strength and creating chances with smart movement. He did hit the deck a few times in moments that could best be described as “festive Bambi on ice,” but his dangerous incursions into the D earned him a well-deserved Player of the Match. Noah positioned himself cleverly, keeping play ticking and pressing hard. The Dyer-Smith axis, as ever, kept things fluent—supported by Jack Pemberton’s rock-solid tackles and movement. At the back, Parge put in another sturdy display, beaten only by two crisply struck penalty-corner rockets from a young Upminster midfielder.

The biggest challenge of the day was the revolving-door substitution pattern forced by a 14-player squad, which occasionally scrambled Walden’s structure and invited pressure. Something to remember ahead of trips to Braintree and Southend—who played each other today, with Braintree taking a tight 1–0 victory. The title race remains very much alive.

And so, into the Christmas break we go. Keep fit, heal up, and let’s come out flying in the second half of the season!

Merry GentleMan of the Match: Charlie Birch

Christmas Donkey of the Day: Richard Dear