Men's 5th XI vs Southend 2

Match Report: Saffron Walden Men’s 5s vs Southend Men’s 2s

Result: Southend 2 – 1 Saffron Walden

The much-anticipated top-of-the-table clash arrived after a week of catastrophic availability and medical-grade injury woes. Robbed of Dave Johnson through musculoskeletal fragility, and robbed of Mike Gaughan through his entirely predictable fondness for Christmassy beverages with the Red Trouser Brigade down on the South Coast, the Men’s 5s nevertheless strode into Southend with heads held high.

There was plenty of pre-match talk about parking the bus and man-marking the midfield into oblivion. But a few minutes in, it was clear the contest was tight—tight enough that nobody was prepared to let Southend’s unbeaten record off lightly.

Southend, it must be said, were dangerous at penalty corners, but Parge played an absolute blinder. In open play he was undefeated, coming out fast, hard, and in full “do-not-test-me” mode. He cut down the angles and generally impersonated a large brick wall, which was exactly what the team needed.

Higher up the pitch, Charlie Birch had a stormer—showing a burgeoning ability to hold the ball up, sprinkle in a bit of silk, and actually produce some end product (a novelty in the 5s). Roger and Dr Rich Dear (not a real doctor) lashed balls past the posts with such regularity it started to look like shooting practice. Still, the chances came, and eventually Rich Dear bagged his goal. HE ALWAYS SCORES. Eight consecutive matches. He’ll now be attempting to carry that streak through to Christmas, ideally with a stocking-filler brace next week at Upminster.

Ultimately, however, the undoing came at short corners. Southend’s best player dragged the ball into the corners twice with the sort of skill normally reserved for YouTube montages.

Then came The Incident. The ball popped vertically during a challenge between Paul Birch and a Southend player and split the skin next to Birchy’s eye. Play stopped while the team’s one actual doctor performed some extremely tidy Steri-Stripping, while Dr Dear stood by regretting all his academic decisions. Birchy was fine, but sensibly came off to protect the injury—and the team immediately missed his glue in transition, resorting briefly to hit-and-hope tactics that didn’t help the shape.

Late on, Southend’s centre forward picked up the ball to the right of the D, skipped past Shutesy, and was promptly hacked down from behind. Shutesy protested innocence with the enthusiasm of a man caught red-handed, but incredibly, no card appeared. The tackle was carefully examined during post-match teas, and in an otherwise excellent set of performances, Shutesy took home a barely deserved Dick of the Day award.

Man of the Match went to Parge, with an honourable mention for Charlie Birch.

A great effort, a proper team performance—and we’ll have them at the return fixture next half of the season. One last push next week at Upminster for some Christmassy hockey feelings!