Men's 5th XI vs Braintree 3

Saffron Walden Men’s 5s vs Braintree Men’s 3s

Final score: Saffron Walden 4 – 1 Braintree

On a rain-slicked Fortress Pitch Two – still without any prospect of getting the ball in the air for 3D skills which is devastating for the mercury hands of this team - the mighty Men’s 5s welcomed a Braintree side who, to their great credit, did not appear to have photocopied half their 2nd XI this time.

Huge appreciation to the crowd who stood in the sideways rain, stoically pretending to enjoy it.

The 5s moved the ball neatly, zipped triangles around with something approaching confidence, and generally looked like a hockey team – especially in the second half.

Wis opened and then continued the scoring with two crisp hits from the top of the D that threatened structural damage to the backboard. Campbell added another after Charlie, Logan, Rich Dear and George combined in a move so intricate that nobody can quite remember what happened, except that Campbell definitely mashed it in from one yard out.

Rich Dear completed the scoring with yet another goal in his frankly ludicrous scoring streak – only to be rewarded afterwards with Dick of the Day. What more does a man have to do to avoid that honour?

Innovation of the day: George was deployed at the top of the diamond, several postcodes north of his usual wing-back habitat. It worked beautifully. Lovely link-up play, tidy first touches, and rapid carries into dangerous areas. The trademark reverse-stick bunt wasn’t firing but a successful experiment, even if he might be asked to return to wing-back purgatory next time for the 4s.

Lockie was solid and disciplined, shutting down their right flank and eventually strolling further upfield in the second half with the ball on a string.

Max, meanwhile, drifted under the radar because his hands were too cold to function. He even voted for himself as D.O.T.D., blaming complete hand-paralysis. The team suggested gloves. Max nodded. Nobody believes an Amazon order will actually be placed.

Jack Pemberton was his usual efficient self on the right, picking passes down the line and tackling cleanly.

Up front, Rog bustled about with the energy of a caffeinated terrier but, to his horror, didn’t score. The club awaits confirmation on whether puppy daycare will release him for next weekend’s top-of-the-table clash with Southend.

Shootsy was calm and vocal at centre-back, repeatedly stepping in to intercept balls headed toward Braintree’s scarily-competent centre forward.

The Man of the Match vote came down to:

• Joe Lynch, who pulled off a heroic triple-save at close range, and

• Wis, who scored twice and ran the show brilliantly at the bottom of the diamond.

The vote was split … until Shutes wandered in post-shower, and casually tipped the balance. Joe it was.

We probably should have given it to Wis, who suffered an apparently catastrophic armpit injury from an opposition stick. He spent the post-match period wafting said armpit around the dugout in a display of theatrical self-pity. Sympathy was limited. Given that he’s a farmer, he’ll probably lose the arm by Tuesday, so maybe – in hindsight – a little recognition wouldn’t have hurt.

Next week: the big one

Please get your availability in for the top-of-the-table clash with Southend.

If we want to win the league, we need to beat them twice!

Man of the Match: Joe Lynch

Dick of the Day: Richard Dear